Anti-Christ

For too long I have battled in my head whether I should tell this story, but to be honest it’s not about me as you will find out. Many of my close friends and family members have seen a change in me over the past six months but hardly any of them will ask why. Here’s my story.

Accepting the Ani-Christ Award

           It was my sophomore year in college; I had just transferred to Ohio University from living at home. In case you do not know, Ohio University is ranked among the top party schools in the nation, it was ranked 2^nd my sophomore year. I couldn’t let down that title. I began my fall quarter by joining a Fraternity. My goal was to make as many friends as possible and get the full college experience while obtaining a degree somewhere in between. Fast forward to the end of spring quarter that same year. All of my Fraternity brothers and I were gathered into a crowded garage, “finally” I thought to myself. All my hard work was going to pay off; it was my time to shine. “And this year’s Anti-Christ award goes to…..Zach White”. I walked up front with a huge smile and a proud look upon my face. This award was given yearly to the biggest party animal in the Fraternity and I cherished it.

I remember thanking everyone who had carried me home while I was blacked out, the people who let me copy off their papers if I was too hung over to keep my eyes open in class and most importantly the friends that sacrificed their grades and time to come party with me. I remember grabbing the beer bong out of my friends hand and snagging the bottle of 80 proof Lady Bligh with the other. Every person in the crowd began shaking their heads in disgust, “here he goes again” I heard from someone behind me. I filled the bong up using half of the full bottle, about 10 shots; I cheers the crowd and guzzled it down. I yelled in celebration, as I took my seat everything faded to black. My next memory was waking up on my bedroom floor in my dorm room. I thought to myself "Just another Saturday, must have been fun."

I’m not an alcoholic, I just love partying. I love everything about it, being the life of the party, being the crazy one, the rush it gives you to hit that last cup in beer pong, you name it. But the part I never let my friends see was the terrible anxiety I had coming down from a long weekend or week of partying. They didn’t see the countless hours I spent praying for help, clarity, forgiveness and strength to control my drinking habits. Besides there was no time for that discussion between flip cup and keg stands. I finished out college like any other Ohio University grad, sad to leave but ready to give my liver a break.

My older brothers laughed at the thought of me joining the real world. After six years of college and three degrees I do not blame them, the party was over right? I remember having specific conversations with people in college who justified partying Monday-Sunday because this was the only times in their lives they would be able to party this way. I quickly became one of those people but promised myself when I graduated I would change my ways. I always felt that God had big plans for me but college was all about me. I graduated and slowed down my drinking to 3 days a week instead of the Bobcat scholar of 6 to 7 days. I applied to over 170 jobs the first seven months I graduated with my masters, I only got one interview and it was for a part-time counselor role in New York City. I sold my i-pod to pay for the flight and took the chance. The interview was the Monday after New Year’s Eve so I ended up visiting a friend and stayed over the weekend in Boston. I tried to take it easy that week but car bombs sounded way to tempting, plus I’m on vacation. “I’ll sober up by Monday and be good” I said to myself.

During my four hour interview Monday I felt calm and collected, ready for anything. I even had the thought process that I am more sociable and giddy after a long weekend of drinking. One of my old favorite quotes at the time was “It’s not called a hangover anymore its called morning.” I couldn’t have been more wrong. The interviewer asked me a question as I sat in the chair rubbing my sweaty palms together, I froze. Not just a few seconds, I literally froze for a good minute to a question that carried weight on whether I would get the job. “Why do you think you should have this job” she asked again. I like most people function very high when drinking. I thought if I only drank Friday and Saturday it was “normal”, “that’s what you do in your 20’s” I kept telling myself. As long as I made it to work on time, did my job fairly decent and didn’t hurt anyone in the process I’m labeled a social drinker. The truth was I was hurting people, I was letting people down, I was being selfish and more importantly I was hurting myself. I needed help; I turned to God once again.



My mom and I



In March 2011 one of my best friend’s mothers passed away unexpectedly, this was my 2^nd best friend to lose his mother in a month. I needed a weekend away and I just wanted to spend time with my mother. I called and asked if I could crash on her couch for the weekend to be closer to my friend in case he needed me and she said “sure but will you go to church with me Sunday”, I responded with a hesitant “sure”. That Sunday we walked into Lancaster Community Church, my mom quickly introduced me to the new Lead Pastor, Matt Johnson. “Nice to meet you Zach, thanks for coming” he said. I shook his hand and said “No problem, thanks for having me” and he went on his way greeting everyone else.

 My mom’s a bit shy so we sat in the 2^nd row from the back, while they played “warm up music” as I called it then, I went to get a free cup of coffee. That day the message was on Prophesy. I glanced up and down as I tried to read the Bible in my hands and pay attention to the pastor at the same time. “When God gives you a message you need to deliver it”, I looked up and smiled then all the sudden Matt stared right into my eyes and in the middle of his sermon said “Zach this message is for you, God has a big plan for you. You do not have to qualify yourself for God, he wants you just the way you are” at that moment I blanked, Matt’s lips continued to move and he never took his eyes off me. I looked around in a crowded room of 300 people and then back at Matt, still staring at me, looking straight into my soul. I began to feel chills run down my neck, spine and eventually to my arms and legs. I looked to my left and my mother was smiling at me as tears filled her eyes, she was holding my hand at that moment but I was too numb to feel it. “Zach I think that message was for you.” She said with overwhelming tears, “Mom, I know that message was for me.”

Okay God you got my attention, you got plans for me, I can’t find my dream job; let’s try it your way. I stepped up my game and started attending church twice a month. Luckily Matt reached out to me and wanted to meet with me and answer any questions I might have. Mind you I grew up a “Christian” my whole life. I was baptized at 13 in a Methodist church; I attended church camps, youth ministry and even stumbled into church a few times in college. I never drank in high school and was always the designated driver. God was constantly pulling on my heart, even when I drowned him out with alcohol. I began questioning my faith in college; I was a Christian but was it the right religion. There are so many faiths out there, there’s no way there can only be one right religion. I began studying Buddhism, Judaism, Islam, Hinduism and the one that grasped my interest the most New Age. The thought that we are God, we are the creators of creation, Jesus who? I have to admit at this point of my story that I did all this while wearing a cross around my neck but never pursing Christ.

I promised myself this time would be different, if I wasn’t too hung over or busy I would make it to church. I did this for most of 2011 but as I planned my trip to Europe I began going out less. I had a reason not to drink, save money. While in Europe my faith blew up. Sure I prayed, began going to church a lot more but was Jesus real? I couldn’t help but notice how God worked on my heart during that trip, every town, every city in every country had HUGE churches. I couldn’t help but think “Man Jesus is a rock star here”. I wish Americans wore crosses around their neck with pride like they do NFL football jerseys on Sunday. I came home and began a mission to find out the question that was plaguing my mind, is Jesus real? Well it’s time to find out.

I began reading the Bible, it was like reading Japanese. I’d often sit up late at night reading, wondering “why am I reading this book, its 2,000 years old, no one knows who wrote it” but I was determined. One day after church service one of my best friends from high school came up to me “Hey man if you ever want help reading and understanding the Bible let me know”. Something clicked; I asked him if he would want to get a Bible Study together of all our best friends. We were all coming together with our new found faith at the same time and most of them were excited about the idea. At this point I had cut back the drinking to what I finally understood as “social drinking” only a few drinks here and there but the occasional drunk night out a month.

I began praying that if Jesus is real that he reveals himself to me. “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29: 13. At first I started with all the big questions, what about dinosaurs? Why do bad things happen to good people? Why is there suffering? Is the Bible even credible? Who and when was it written and who decided what scriptures were taken out? There is not a question you can think of that I have not thought of before. After weeks of studying the Bible I finally realized in a sermon that even Jesus disciples did not believe him and they were witnessing miracles first hand. It finally hit me that I was one of these disciples and I finally gave my life to Jesus that night. As I prayed I felt an overwhelming sense of peace, one that is impossible to describe. To me the word peace was just another term in the dictionary that is until you felt it in your life. “Jesus take my worries, take my future, take my problems, you can have them all.”I said out loud. I went to bed that night with a smile on my face and for the first time in years I felt lighter.

The more serious I took my faith; the more I read the Bible, the more God began working in my heart. I wish it was as easy as pushing a button but transformation doesn’t evolve over night.

Will you ever drink again?

I went to a friend’s house Christmas night to watch my beloved Packers play Sunday night football. As I hung out with friends I decided to just have a few drinks. I made three jack and cokes during the four hour game and polished off a Christmas Ale to delight my taste buds. After the game ended around 11:30pm I followed my friend back into town on my way back home to my mother’s house. In that short fifteen minute drive I must have crossed over into the other lane three of four times. I pulled into my moms driveway, turned off the lights and remember thinking “I had to be under the legal limit, ohwell, thank you God for getting me home safely.” I went to bed that night like any other night. I brushed my teeth, walked into my room, knelt down at my bed and began praying a short and sweet prayer before getting my beauty sleep.

 I began praying for God to show me what he wants me to do with my life, and then I began to get real with him. Goose Bumps ran down my spine “God I need help, I don’t want to be like this anymore, I can’t do it alone.” I meditated for a minute before hearing God speak straight to my heart “Give up drinking for a month”. I opened my eyes and looked around and then down at my hands. “That had to be myself thinking crazy, no way” I thought. “God what else can I do, can I at least pick the month” I said out loud. His voice sounded like someone calling your name while you lie asleep to wake you up, “I promise you everything if you give up drinking for a month.” I shrugged my shoulders and said “I promise to stop drinking for a month” I went to bed that night hoping I’d forget that prayer, hoping it was just the alcohol talking. I even tried planning out in my head which month I could take off. Besides I had New Years Eve coming up, bachelor parties and fundraisers to attend.

The next day was Monday, I had it off work. I remember waking up thinking “this is going to be easy”. Little did I realize my whole world was about to turn upside down. The first weekend was New Years Eve. I had many options, do I go to Chicago, out in Columbus, hit up a few parties or do I stay at home and not drink? Luckily all my best friends from high school, also known as the Olds, got together and went to dinner at a Japanese Steak House and then back to a friend’s house to play board games. It was the first New Years I remember actually watching the ball drop since high school, I went home that night and thought “how lame”. All my other friends were out partying, texting me, living it up and I’m going to bed. Thanks God.

By the next week word had gotten out that I was not drinking anymore. The thing I feared most about this month was that my friends would judge me and treat me different or worse, I’d lose friends. As I began praying and reading throughout the week my faith grew stronger. I was leaning on the Bible but it still wasn’t sticking. I wasn’t drinking and I was feeling a lot healthier. Alcohol to my mind is like an eraser, whenever I have a drink, even one, my mind begins to fade a bit. I remember studying an entire week for a final only to go out that night after the exam and wake up the next morning hardly remembering any of the material I just spent hours studying. I began feeling smarter; it felt like a super power had been given to me. I eventually started noticing things that I had to do because of my mental state. For example I would write constant reminders in my phone so I wouldn’t forget, this was habit but I began doing things before the reminders went off. Wow, I thought, my brain is supposed to work like this. I feel like I just upgraded my clunker brain for a nice new Cadillac.

On New Year’s Eve my friend Ryan gave me a W.W.J.D. bracelet to wear. I remember the first time I tried taking it off before walking into a party and the words of Jesus echoed in my head "But Whoever denies me before men, I will deny him before my father in heaven .” Matthew 10:33. I put it back on with shame. I walked in the door empty handed, no beer for this guy. Everything was smooth sailing at first and then the unexpected happened, the Bengals scored a touchdown. “Shot time” my brother said as he stared at me from across the room, “I’m good” I said. He stood up and yelled “would you just take an F’n shot” and walked out of the room. I sat in silence and prayed for God to give me the strength, I could just leave but that would be too easy.

I walked to the bathroom but was stopped by a few friends and my two older brothers, “hey come here for a minute”. One of them handed me a shot, it had been almost three weeks since I last touched alcohol. My oldest brother opened his mouth “You know Jesus drank wine”. I smiled and said “that’s great to know” and put the shot down. As I walked away I thought of a hundred other things I could have said. It was the fourth quarter and the Bengals were making a comeback “If they score here Zach you have to do a shot” my middle bother said. I smiled and for the first time ever, I prayed the Bengals would turn the ball over. They never scored and God answered my prayer. As I drove home that day I felt my heart begin to get heavy. I began asking God why this is so hard, why must I be tempted by those I love, why do I have to be ridiculed for wanting to make myself a better person? Why was no one there for me?

That evening I continued reading my Bible as I lay in bed. I flipped it open and picked a random page, it was the book of Matthew. The first verse I read was Matthew 10:36 “A person's enemies will include members of his own family.” I remember the feeling I got as my eyes skimmed over this passage. A feeling of relief, confusion and shock settled over me. This was the first time the Bible jumped off the pages and became real; it felt as though it was alive. “Could this 2,000 year old book really understand what I was going through tonight?” I thought to myself. It finally hit me why people call it the Living Word of God. From that moment on, the Bible began to speak to me, it began to make sense and I began applying it to my everyday life.

As I focused less on drinking, things began to happen. God began answering my prayers. I received a phone call and was offered a part time job at the OSU Psychiatric Hospital; I was able to move out of my mother’s house and into a great place in Columbus with one of my best friends. In a matter of weeks God was paying up on those promises. Could this be for real? Well I’m halfway through January, I might as well stick this thing out. One thing I noticed at this point was how people treated me. I wish I could say my faith healed all wounds but it began making new ones. I had friends make fun of me over social media networks, I had friends block me on Facebook. Some friends stopped calling me to hang out, others would just act as if I had leprosy and stayed away from me at social functions. I had my past thrown in my face “remember that award you won in college, what was it again? Oh yeah Anti-Christ award”. I had friends who claim to be “Christians” judging me and talking badly about me behind my back. I began feeling more disconnected from people but more connected with God. At that time in my life I began doing something I have pushed aside my whole life, I began forgiving. I started with myself, asking God to forgive my selfish life style all those years.

Then I began praying for those who hurt me. I would pray they learn and understand Gods love and that they feel Gods grace without having to be humbled. I pray that God use me as an example to help others who struggle with the same problems I face. Something happened as I began praying for those who hurt me; God filled my heart with peace. Matthew 5:44 “But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you”. I did my best not to judge anyone who continued the partying life style, I’d been there, I still struggle with temptation. It never completely goes away; you just learn how to lean on God to give you the strength to overcome that urge. “I can do everything through Him who gives me strength” Philippians 4:13. The void I was constantly filling with alcohol and chasing girls was replaced with a love for mankind. I genuinely began caring more about everyone; God filled my heart with peace.

The last weekend of January I had my older brothers bachelor party. Twenty drunk Fraternity brothers in one cabin for 48 hours, I told my brother I would not be drinking at this event. He was furious at first but his heart began to change and he began to understand I was taking a different path. I was worried about all the drinking, would I fall back into my rutt, would I indulge in degrading conversations and strip clubs? I remember sitting in the living room the first night, feeling awkward. I was the same guy, I just didn’t have a bottle in my hand. I had many conversations with individuals that night who talked about wanting to slow down the party scene in their life, I began to realize that’s the example God wanted me to be. He wanted me to show that there is another way.

Before I left for this trip I asked God why I had to go on a bachelor party where I know I will be tempted, made fun of and judged. It hit me at that moment that if Jesus can suffer and die on the cross for all I have done in my life and forgive me, I can put up with a little ridicule. I even thought of backing out of going, once again it would be easier but God assured me he would be there for me. That evening the guys decided to play a drinking game and every one could tell how uncomfortable I was. I had given over all of those selfish desires for a life of purity. As I sat there I began praying for God to send me an angel. He did me one better. I eventually got so uncomfortable I stood up and walked away. At that moment my friend Dave stopped me and asked to talk for a second. “Great” I thought, bring on the jokes. “Hey man I just wanted to let you know I am very impressed with your faith”. My eyes lit up, God had sent me an angel. We talked for two hours about our relationships with Christ and how we have been bettering ourselves. We leaned on each other that weekend and still do to this day.

I returned home that weekend feeling like a new man. My faith has shielded me from the hardest month of my life but now I faced the hardest question of all, do I ever drink again? I’ll be honest I had mixed emotions. This past year I have been to the point where I can go out and have one or two and be fine, I could say no and turn down that free beer but did I want to? God had filled my heart with an abundance of love that month, I’ve never felt better and God was living up to his promises of giving me all I needed. Could I turn away from all this at the drop of a hat? 

To me drinking is like a telephone line with God, I can communicate with him so well but the minute I bring sin, drinking, into my life it’s like taking a pair of scissors and cutting that line. I can’t hear anyone on the other end. I decided to take it day by day but I knew in my heart my life had changed. I was still the same goofy person; I just didn’t need alcohol to do it.  My friend Joe told me "God doesn't want to change your personality, He just wants to change your character". He was right. I still go out to bars and dance my face off. Jesus himself was accused of being a drunkard because he chose to be around those who needed him the most. I realize not everyone wants to or needs to give up drinking, I can’t get that point across enough but I do know my own weaknesses in life. 

For me, drinking is a slippery slope. I know that I was a good person when I was in college, that I was a compassionate person before I took that month challenge but looking back I realize I wasn’t living up to my potential. By cutting out hundreds of dollars a month on alcohol I am able to give to more charities, to help people who don't have the privilege of work and more importantly tithe to a church that I love and support to do Gods work. The time I would usually be spending at Happy Hour was replaced with free time to volunteer and visit friends and family. It's amazing how much I began cherishing the time I spent with those I love.

No I didn’t write this blog for me, I felt a calling to do so. This message is not about me, it’s not about my drinking, it’s about Gods overwhelming love and pursuit to have us live up to our potential for Him. I realize some people will read this message and shrug their shoulders, I also realize I will get negative feedback about this message but it is my story, it is factual and I will use my humility for Gods Glory. Will I ever drink again? A good friend and I were talking and she told me that God called me away from alcohol and that one day He might put on my heart that it’s okay to have another drink, until then I will wait patiently and pursue God’s will, not my own.

I realize this was a lengthy testimony. One I have pondered whether to share or not for months now but I realize it would selfish of me to keep these feelings inside. There are many people out there struggling for help, whether they show it or not. We all fight battles, some of us try to do it on our own but we can’t. I realize my life is not about me. So if this story can help at least one person come to their faith, become a better person or understand the power of Jesus words, it has served its purpose. Please share this message with anyone you think may need it. If you have any questions or just want me to pray for you please email me at Zachary.Tyler.White@gmail.com I want to help and will do everything in my power to help those overcome the temptations of this world whether it be sex, drugs, addiction, alcohol or relationships. God uses his people to do his work so if you are feeling any hesitation I pray you overcome that fear and reach out to me, reach out to someone you trust or just pick up a Bible and start reading in Matthew like I did. God has taken over my life and I pray he takes over yours as well!! God Bless!!